Of Chickens & Gunmen by Vonilyn

DISCLAIMER: No, I do not own these boys. If I did, the actors'd still have jobs, I'd have a new job as producer, and the world would be an all around better place. But No. I think these guys currently belong to the Mirsch Corp., MGM and CBS and TNN (or some equally official acronym people like them.) The following attempt at humor was written by mE:), however, on a cold coupla days in January while I put off seeking employment and basked in the freedom of (however temporary) independence.
Which leads me tooooo...
NOTES: Given my current mental state when I wrote this, I disavow all knowledge of having written it. Except of course, if you liked it. In which case, guess what! It's all mine!! Bruahahaahaa!! Oh, uhm... sorry bout that. So Feedback would muchly be appreciated. Anyway, this is mostly due to the insanity started by Chris V.(or Christina ...whichever her fingers decide to type...) -- and her random thought processes for one of our many chats. It's her fault I've broken the habit of starting fics and not finishing them recently, dangit.
RATING: PG (Language)

Feedback appreciated ~ Vonilyn

"So what?"

"So what? What the hell doya mean 'so what?'"

"I mean 'so what'. I'm simply not followin' this valiant attempt at logic of yours, Mr. Tanner."

Vin stared in open-mouthed frustration at the Southerner. He'd said it in as many big words as he could think of just so Ez'd be sure to get it! He watched as Ezra collected two more cards from the dealer and calmly surveyed his hand. Vin snuck a glance over his shoulder. A full house. From the look on the other guy, he had som'n better than a full house. Tanner took a deep breath, contemplating the results of what he was about to do.

"Aw hell," he muttered, shaking his head. Then he suddenly grabbed Ezra's shoulder and hauled him out of his seat. "Damnit, Ez, come 'ere and I'll *show* ya if yer refusin' to listen to reason!"

Sputtering like mad, Ezra scrambled to fold his hand and collect his previous earnings off the edge of the table. Vin just tugged him out of the saloon, ignoring the man's complaints.

"What in the hell is so important to cause me to lose approximately one hundred dollars Mister Tanner?!" Ezra ground out, struggling vainly to readjust his jacket despite the ex-bounty hunter's grip on his forearm. Even Tanner knew it was a rare thing to get a man with that much gambling cash to come through Four Corners, damnit! *Just a little respect... that's all I ever ask. Respect and time to finish a game in peace... and I don't seem to get even that anymore!* Ezra sighed at his forlorn thoughts and trudged along down the boardwalk toward the livery.

"Ya were gonna lose it anyhow, Ez," Vin muttered back, "Din't ya see that hombre's hand? Call me slow, but last I knew, four aces beat a house..."

Ezra actually paused to think about that for a moment before opening his mouth again. "I would have won, Mr. Tanner. Rest assured."Vin snorted. "Then I just saved yer ass, ya cheat, so pick up the pace before we miss it."

"Miss WHAT?!?"

"Can't we just shoot the damn Sonuvagun?" Buck Wilmington asked, a noticeable whine to his tone.

"You wanna waste your lead, then I guess go right ahead. We'll still have to go in after the rest of 'em," Chris pointed out, not too happy with their prospects at the moment either. JD stood slightly behind Buck, looking apprehensively out at their newest adversaries.

"Who's fault was this again? 'Cause I sure didn't do it, and I know none of you did either, so we technically have nothing sayin we *gotta* fix it..." he chimed in hopefully. Larabee just shook his head at the boy's suggestion.

"It'd be nice, but nope. Sometimes it just don't matter who's to blame, JD," Josiah intoned, staring out at their fate. Nathan sighed and took his hat off his head, spinning the brim in his hands for a while.

"'Sides, we can't let Miz. Travis tackle som'n like this on her own. 'Specially with that boy of hers sleeping off the influenza in the house all day long. She's got enough problems as it is," Nathan pointed out. Buck snapped his fingers suddenly. "I knew it! This is Billy's fault ain't it?"

Chris nodded, kicking some dirt off the heel of his boot as he leaned against the fence post. "Yup. Reckon he'd escaped out to the back paddock this mornin before his ma caught up to him. Must not have remembered to keep that back gate locked."

"But hell Chris! There's gotta be at least fifteen of 'em out there!" JD protested.

Chris cracked a grin and glanced over at JD before back out to the muddy field beyond the fence. "Nah. Only ten. Two to a man, and those odds are better than some other's we've taken on..."

"I don't suppose we could just send Josiah out there to preach at 'em for awhile until they decide to go back willingly..." Buck suggested.

"No, Brother Buck, I don't believe they'd listen if I tried," Josiah replied.

"That's enough boys," Chris finally broke in, "We got us a civic duty to do here. Let's get to it."

"This ain't civic," Buck muttered, taking his time climbing the fence. Chris shot him a look and ducked between the posts.

"You take that up with the judge sometime," he grinned. Buck just grumbled some more and followed the others out toward their current assignment.

"I do not see what is so important at the Travis' ranch that it could not have waited until supper, Mr. Tanner," Ezra complained. His horse snorted in agreement. Somebody better be dieing, or the poor animal would revolt next time he was asked to run from town like that, Ezra was sure of it.

"You will," Vin promised. "As long as we aren't too late..."

Still uttering oaths against Vin's insistent nature, Ezra obligingly dismounted and followed Vin around the barn to the fields. It'd been raining off and on most of the week, and where there wasn't a short blade of green sprouting up, there was trampled earth, muddy water pooling unseen amidst it. Standish carefully picked his way around the bigger, deeper pools and tried not to slide on the thick muck.

"I was talkin' ta Billy this mornin. Ya know how Nathan's been checkin' on that cold of his and you know how much of a stickler he is fer stayin' inside when yer sick. So young Billy there tried sneaking out this mornin'. Just gonna go fishing in the crick back there. He told me he got all the way to the sow yard before his ma and Nathan spotted him and called him back," Vin explained in a conspiratorial tone as they headed toward the pasture in question. "Well, I figured I'd head back to town once he decided to tell Miz Travis that he'd accidentally left the pen's gate open..."

"Wait just a minute Mr. Tanner... You did *not* drag me all the way out here to participate in a greased pig wrangle..." Ezra broke in, pausing and preparing himself to run the other direction. Vin stopped and looked back at him, a sly grin on his face.

"Nope. We shoulda missed most of it by now," he replied. He turned and nodded out toward the field again, where squealing animals could now be heard a few hundred yards away.

"But the way I figure, anybody asks me where I disappeared to, I went to go find some help fer the chore. Ain't my fault we got held up..." he added with a casual shrug. In the distance, a howl was heard that was very much human, followed by a chorus of high-pitched squeals and grunts belonging, of course, to the sows. The disgusted mask Ezra had been wearing since Vin had so rudely interrupted his card game finally broke and he actually laughed. Vin started walking back toward the sounds and Ezra followed quickly.

"Oh I simply must see this," Ezra commented, just barely catching himself before he broke into a jog toward the sight. Vin just nodded, in no apparent hurry.

"Figured ya would."

"DAMNIT! Come back here, ya stupid... Ooof!!"

"Nonononooo... Wrong way!! Hey! Buck, look out!"

Twin shouts of alarm came from the two men as they toppled over one another. The bigger of the two remaining pigs grunted and huffed as it charged at Buck's knee. The little one doubled back toward JD in an attempt to avoid being trampled by it's huge pen-mate, successfully avoiding the other pig and tripping up it's human pursuer at the same time.

Chris had just managed to get a hold of the last of the smaller calves and was carrying it back toward the pen, when the animal's angry and frightened mother escaped Buck's corralling, headed right for him. He was paying more attention to his slippery footing than he was to the others in the field, and didn't head the warning shouts coming his way. He never had a chance.

Larabee heard the growling a few feet behind him, turning instantly on his heel to face the threat. Suddenly he found himself flat on his back as the wet ground shifted. He groaned disgustedly and tried not to think about what actually made up the gooey, slippery mud that was now seeping through his shirt.

The piglet escaped Chris' arms, flailing hooves punching into his ribs and a wet ugly snout just barely missing his jaw. The sow derailed her course once the piglet scampered free, but Larabee hadn't seen that in his haste to get up and out of her way. He rolled onto his stomach and sprang to his feet with a curse as he nearly fell on his backside again.

Chris spotted the sow trotting away, a mud-covered Nathan chasing after her. JD had just launched himself at the newly released baby, earning himself a mouthful of mud. Buck was standing a few feet away, dripping in filth and pointing at JD's antics as he laughed. The big animal changed directions then, making a beeline for Buck and the man's laughing quickly turned into a stream of oaths.

Josiah was the cleanest of them all, and Chris watched in amazement as the big man crouched stock-still in the middle of the piglet's path near a fence line. He then reached out and scooped up the unsuspecting animal by it's hindquarters. Chris' jaw dropped as a moment later, Sanchez' prize was deposited in the pen with the other eight piglets without further incident.

"Two left," Larabee called out to him, "Let's see you do that again."

Josiah merely rumbled out a chuckle and waved Chris off. Larabee shook his head in amusement and started back to finish the chore.

Vin and Ezra watched from the fence a safe distance away from the others' attentions. For a moment, it looked like Vin was going to fall over from his perch and join their friends' in their currently filthy attire. The man's laughter was spurred on further by a yelp from JD. The boy had caught up to the largest of the two remaining pigs and had tried taking it down by the neck. However, the animal was still roughly twice his size and continued on, unhindered by the arms wrapped tightly around it's neck. So young Mr. Dunne was dragged a few feet in the mud before he realized his newest plan of attack was futile. By the time he let go of the big pig, one whole side of his already mud-caked body was sopping wet and had collected an impressive assortment of grass shavings. Frustrated, the boy smacked a fist into the ground... only to splash more water in his face. He jumped to his feet then, rubbing at his eyes in disgust and chased after his charge.

The other four had let JD keep the sow busy while they went after the smaller, faster version. Teamwork proved mostly effective. Slowly but surely they had the pig surrounded, penned in by their legs. From there they simply chased the animal back toward the others. Every one of the five men out in the field were whooping and yelling (and swearing in Buck's case,) at the animal. JD's forlorn cries for assistance were ignored until the little pig was safely tucked away in the pen. Then they all took their time returning to his aide.

"Can I shoot it now, Chris?" Buck asked, staring contemptibly at the skittish animal. Chris shrugged.

"'S long as you don't hit JD I suppose..." he replied, grinning at the scene. JD had heard him and had just enough time to narrow his eyes at him before he caught sight of the pig again. Somethin had to be wrong with that animal... it took entirely too much enjoyment from charging at human beings, JD decided. He stood nervously in the hog's path until the last possible second then sidestepped. The animal missed his leg by a good three inches that time and he felt slightly emboldened by the fact. When the pig turned around for a second go at him, JD pulled the same trick, only this time as he passed, JD caught it by the ears and swung a leg over it's broad back.

Howls of laughter rang out from his friends as JD hung on triumphantly, sitting on the squealing animal as it ran and bucked in circles. He held his legs out at odd angles, trying to keep his feet from being trampled as he tried using his knees to keep his balance. Suddenly, the pig's head jerked one way, it's momentum carrying the rest of it in a different direction. It took a moment for the lasso's presence to register, and by the time it did, JD had barely enough time to get his feet below him before the pig stubbornly sat down on it's rear haunches. Surprised, JD followed the rope to it's source.

Vin stood calmly behind the fence, the rope held tightly in his grasp and a smile trying to hide behind a look of assumed innocence. Ezra stood beside him, a cocky grin on his face. JD vainly tried dusting some of the mud off his person as he walked up to Vin and retrieved the end of the rope. Tanner just grinned and handed it over to him willingly. The damn pig nearly tore JD's arm off as it sensed the relaxed reign, but JD jerked it taught again and began the tedious chore of dragging it back to it's proper place. Nathan stepped in to help him, chuckling as Chris and the others approached their overdue friends.

"Well, damn, Ezra... we missed all the fun!" Vin drawled.

"Yes, Mr. Tanner. It appears we have. Drat the luck. My forced evacuation of that lucrative hand back in town seems to have been for naught," Ezra replied, his eyes twinkling at the funny sight of his haggard friends' approach. Buck looked prepared to kill, but surprisingly non-threatening as a clump of wet dirt slid down the bridge of his nose. Chris was only mildly amused as well.

"Where the hell'd you get off to, Tanner?" he demanded. "We damned sure could have used your 'superior' knowledge the past hour'n a half." Buck and Josiah both seconded the sentiment.

Vin squinted as he shrugged, his face trying desperately to assume it's usually innocent expression. "I went back ta town ta get some reinforcements..." he answered, casually trying to keep the laughter out of his voice. He turned toward Ezra. "See? All I managed to find was 'im though. 'nd it ain't my fault he held up our gettin back, ya know..."

Chris narrowed his eyes suspiciously. He ineffectively brushed at the bits of dirt that had taken up residence in his hair and reached for his hat off the fence post.

"Reinforcements..." he repeated dubiously.

Ezra nodded, adding, "I'll have you know that I left a very good game to come and assist, Mr. Larabee. You might have waited for our return."

"Riiiight..." Chris replied, nodding. He caught Buck's eye, knowing that the two pranksters hadn't fooled anyone. He simply shrugged and jumped over the fence, Buck and Josiah following suit. Vin raised an eyebrow. That was all Chris was gonna give him? Something highly suspicious was going on...

"Ya ain't sore are ya, Chris?" he questioned somberly. Chris gave a halfhearted grin.

"Hell yeah I'm sore. I just chased a brood of ornery pigs around the whole acre. You'd be sore too, Tanner. If you'd been here of course..." he pointed out, his grin vanishing. Vin rolled his eyes. Ezra watched apprehensively. Buck was closer to him now that they were on the same side of the fence and Ezra felt him glaring.

"That's not quite what he meant, Mr. Larabee..." he clarified hopefully. As long as everything was all right with Chris, Buck should stop breathing down his neck too...

Chris' grin was back a moment later. He took a step closer to Vin and stuck out his hand.

"Nah. I'm not sore at either of ya," Larabee finally assured them. Vin's smile showed itself as he took the offered hand.

"Good, 'cause the lot of ya looked loony as hell out there with those pigs and I'm sure glad I wasn't one of ya," Vin admitted as they shook on Chris' good mood. Chris' grin took on an unholy quality and he pulled the surprised Vin Tanner into a big bear hug.

Vin jumped away, but not soon enough. He was now wearing about half the mud Chris had been. Larabee laughed at Vin's grimace and knocked the hat back off his curly head. Vin ducked instinctively but Chris managed to get a few streaks of mud in his hair as he cuffed him on the back of the head.

He shot a genuine smile at him and turned off toward the house again. Nah, Vin... I ain't sore. Not any more."

Ezra let out a quick burst of laughter, but he stopped as he noticed Buck advance toward him. Ezra quickly stepped away, Buck following and circling him like a vulture, a predator's grin on his face. Ezra turned to hightail it back to his horse and Buck pounced, swinging a muddy arm around the gambler's neck and messing up his hair with the other hand - an action usually reserved for JD, but effective for Buck's purposes this one time. Satisfied that Ezra'd received his due, Buck moved off to wait for the other's still in the field.

"Aw hell," Vin muttered, knowing that he should have seen that one coming. Josiah just laughed at him and slapped him on the shoulder as he followed after Chris. Standish crept up behind Vin, using him as cover, watching carefully as Buck waved out to JD and Nathan to hurry up. Vin glanced at him briefly before turning his attention to his own now muddy state. One hand went up to his head and felt the ground-in mud.

"Aw hell," he repeated.

"You said it, Mr. Tanner," he agreed, absently pulling a handkerchief out of a pocket and wiping at the mud in his own hair. A minute later, Vin repeated the oath a third time and Ezra looked at him again.

"I got the point already,..." he began. Then he noticed Vin staring out at the field like a surprised doe staring down the barrel of a rifle. Ezra too turned to look.

"Aw hell!" he echoed.

Run!" Vin decided, turning and following his own advice. Ezra groaned and started back toward the safety of the ranch at his fastest possible pace.

Chris and Josiah were standing on the Travis' porch, working tiredly at getting as much mud off their persons as possible when the shouts broke out. Both men looked up at the noise curiously. They soon spotted the figures of Vin Tanner and Ezra Standish running like mad from around the barn. It looked as though they were headed for their horses. Ezra slipped once, and Vin fell back to help him up, but soon enough they'd both taken at least a knee in their scramble to get away from the fields.

"Now I wonder what that's all about," Chris mused, stepping to the edge of the porch and watching them closely. Josiah shrugged, looking behind the two men to see if he could find what it was that spooked them so bad. A moment later, he began to laugh out loud. Chris looked over at him, puzzled, and then followed the other man's gaze to the three figures that emerged from behind the barn as well. A loud 'Yiee ha!' was heard from Vin suddenly and Chris' brain realized that they'd made it to the horses already. He too began to laugh at the sight of Buck, JD, and Nathan all running after the retreating horses, launching handfuls of mud at the pair. Buck threateningly brandished the pigs' slop bucket - which they'd filled with field mud- one last time in their direction amid shouts of triumph. Nathan doubled over laughing and JD wasn't much better. All the noise brought both the Travis' out to the porch.

"What's goin on?" Billy questioned sleepily, leaning on his mother's side as he blinked owlishly out at the activity near the road. Chris just grinned, beginning to dust away at his hair again.

Finally he winked and answered, "Nuthin' much. The boys are just chasing away a couple of chickens we found out by the pig pen is all."

THE END!!